A new Day

I have known for awhile that I have been neglecting and important portion of myself. I have not felt any connection with my spirituality since Dale died, and maybe even a bit before that. I have felt kindof like a emotional zombie, huge walls built up, compartmentalizing myself from things I didnt want to think about. I would spend most of the month smiling and cheery but then when I felt weak that wall would come down and I would be bad off. After John passed away yesterday I knew I couldnt keep doing that so I took today off to just deal. I woke up early and went to Red Rocks. There were two other people there but we all just let each other be and a I sat and watched the sun rise.




I got there as it was starting to grow light and brought my camera and was glad I did. It was realy beautiful. It was still pretty dark and fairly cold but not enough that the blanket I got for christmas wasnt enough to keep me warm.


At first I felt myself stiff, mind wandering as usualy it does, skipping from thought to though, avoiding what I knew I had come up here to face. As it began to grow lighter I forced myself to breath normaly, closing my eyes from time to time, trying to pull myself together, collect my thoughts into a focus.


It took some time but eventualy I felt myself collecting, thoughts slowing and finaly silence, just loosing myself in the beauty.



I was gratefull for how perfectaly quiet it was up there, I just sat that way, in awe of the beauty, occasionaly taking snap shots, or just adjusting my oh so soft blanket I brought up with me.



After the peace for awhile I finaly let myself think about John, Dale, Grams and the others who are gone and feel I may be ready to start letting go.


I deeply believe that what ever happens to us after we pass away we are still around and I needed to remember that. That they are still with me in some way. They are no longer in pain or sick, they are part of everything and part of me.



I just let that sit, and I was greatfull the others had left by this time as I just cried and held that though and rolled it over in my head, believing, feeling it is true.


I sat there for longer, finaly opening my eyes as the first sun rays of today reached the top of the beautiful Red Rocks Amphatheatre and felt the warmpth. I dried my eyes and looked down at everything, off into the distance, almost to Kansas as my friend likes to say and at the clouds.



I am going to keep on this positive momentium the best can. Make today a day for healing and a day for centering myself, to be Wolf again not just the face Wolf puts on to not deal with things. I hope this can help me move forward to straiten out my life and all those adult type things but as well I am going to use it to get back in touch with my own vaguely pagan, quite hippy spirituality which usto be very important in my life and hopefully fill some of the holes.



I want to put out a thank you to all of my friends and family who have been there for me through this past year, and even my online friends who listen to me bitch on here. I am going to endevor to try and be a better friend and lets angsty and just in general better to be around. I love you all and I owe you all more than you know.

Wolf Kelley